Monday, May 3, 2010

stopping to laugh.

i am currently taking a break from cleaning, for the 17th time since sunday. i have rowan barricaded to the back half of the house (she's pissed and screaming for more water)-i am tired of redoing everything i do five times when she is running around. 'rowan put those shoes back, no! rowan keep your babies in your room, stop ripping that diapers wipes bag wide open, ugh ugh ugh.'
some days i just feel like i am so...right in it. do you know the feeling? like you are so blessed but how did we get here? to parenthood, to twenty five, to getting ready to buy a house, to being an adult?
i'd like to think that excited, energetic, care free, fun loving girl who didn't always feel guilty for having to scold children-that was once me is somewhere inside just passing time till i can set her free. 
for christmas i ask for things like a new broom, or a laundry basket, or maybe even silverware. have i grown up and really become that practical? boo.
sometimes i have these clarifying 'adult' moments. they only make sense to me, so don't even try to understand. once was when i made a whole batch of cupcakes...frosted them, very heavily...and then ate five. another was a few weeks ago when i went into costco on my own for probably like only the second time EVER (no joke) and bought a sinus rinse kit and a pair of adidas exercise pants. so, unless you caught that it is quite possibly that i have only felt really 'adult' twice. maybe one more is when i was married and then divorced, and am completely better for it!
this is going to be my seventh mother's day. as of the end of may, will my first born really be a first grader? i have three kids, t-h-r-e-e. tim and i are talking about the fact that a mini van is imminent-seriously. money is almost always the second thing on my mind, and yet i still mostly have none. these are daily thoughts.
i am glad most of the people i know are finally having kids and getting married/into serious leading to marriage relationships-it makes me feel a little less alone.
so, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha-where did the last eight years go and when did i get here?
*i feel like i just rambled on for five minutes with no direction. do you feel lost? i seriously have been trying to write something like this exact post for months. it had been saved and then deleted from the draft folder several times. i just needed to (out loud) ponder the path of my life. i have never been happier or more blessed and more adult.