Wednesday, June 16, 2010

my sorta baby blues.

i have so much admiration for the posts i have seen lately from fellow mommy blogger about this touchy subject. kudos to you! i think about this ALL THE TIME, it too (still) plagues me. i don't think it ever stopped after rowan...
even to me the line is blurred on how bad i have it, the two most prominent things are: seeing everything as a danger and picturing exactly how and having to check her forty seven times a night.
i feel like i was thrown a curve ball of disadvantage when my niece passed away (at five days short of five months) in bed. i had to sleep on rowan's floor for a month (she was only 7 months old), just so i could be close enough to hear her breathing. two years later, it is the same with stella.
it has gotten a lot better...
i know i have protected her as well as i can and if my hand around her head in a weak attempt to protect her from any fall or crash into a sharp corner makes me feel better, then that is fine.
it is so liberating to read thoughts of other people, that are the EXACT thoughts i have had at some point. it makes me feel a little less crazy.
motherhood, has been the biggest blessing to me. each time i have yearned to tuck my little ones away and snuggle and love and protect them till they could fend for their own. and even then...
it has also been a struggle, but in the best rewarding kind of way.
so, i guess the point of this post was to get it off my chest and somehow tell you, "you're not alone!" a lot of us go through this and it gets better, i promise.


Chelsey - The Paper Mama said...

Ok, I was going to comment on this yesterday... but, never got to it.

Thanks for this post. I never know if I should talk about my baby blues on my blog. I'm no Dooce! :) I just don't know what people would think. I had, well still have, post par-tum. I'm taking some stuff for it. I never imagined it would be as hard as it is.

The story about your sis freaks me out. That is a huge fear of mine. But, it's good to talk about it.... AND, it's great to know I'm not all crazy and alone. :) I've been working on typing my birth story for a while now. A whole big post. It was a huge contributor to the post par tum.

Hey: you're not alone either! :)