Friday, November 4, 2011

twenty-seven

you know that crazy dream where you go to sleep and then wake up a mom of three kids driving a minivan?

we purchased life insurance policies last night and wrote a will - we sat with a stranger and meticulously planned out our childrens finacial futures if we were to leave them too soon. their college, their weddings, a car when they turned sixteen, even the most gorgeous prom dress for senior year needs to be thought about. all things...dreams we have for them...we would miss out experiencing.

that is one of my most paralyzing fears in life, aside from losing one of them before myself of course. it feels so selfish to constantly worry about not being present for all the things i hope and dream for them - can we ever pick the right person to fill our shoes and raise them like we might? i am always rewriting long lengthy intense letters in my head that i need to get out to the people who would care for them if we were gone and it always starts with a plea to never let them forget who i was, who we were, what our love meant. i even will randomly bring up requests to tim, which absolutely irritates him to even think about but how will he know if i don't tell him? please let them have whatever wedding the want. please let them buy a ridiculous homecoming dress.

i realize this is a heavy topic and something i try and put out of my heart in fear of it breaking it, but as my life continues to unfold on this blessed path and i have more and more to lose i realize at twenty-seven it is time to leave a plan. a plan that protects my family, a plan that protects my conscious, and a plan to relieve as many of life's difficulties from my children's or maybe husband's futures. i can just picture the panic that could unfold have we not our plans in place - no one needs that added stress in those kinds of moments. this is honestly something i should have done when zoe was first born but better late then never.

just things i am thinking about today...

4 comments:

melissa rohr said...

We need to do this really bad! Jackson is almost 2 and another one on the way. We just need to make an appointment and DO IT!! Good for you! It's hard thinking about those things.

melissa rohr said...

This made me want to cry. I have the same thoughts all the time and Ryan thinks I am crazy or morbid. You just never know what is going to happen. And I think there is no greater tragedy (other than losing a child) than missing out on who your children become.

melissa rohr said...

I think about this all.the.time. way more than I should. But you are way ahead of me. We need to get on being responsible. It's just not something anyone wants to think about. 

melissa rohr said...

exactly :(