Monday, January 9, 2012

while we're being honest...

sheesh, putting key strokes to actual words has been difficult as of late - i think i am in a christmas leftovers funk. feeling unmotivated has actually motivated me into a different routine this week, i am trying to schedule in school and a regular workout, exercise really gets me pumped on my day and i get a lot more done and the school stuff? well, that just needs to get done and i need to stop being a lame ass about cracking open the books. yesterday i was actually pondering calling hiatus on hi, baby and coming back in february with a bang - but that isn't what i really want, so on we go...

here is some food for thought - something i have been thinking a lot about, discussing with amanda a lot, and felt at war with myself about. another baby. 

everyone is pregnant right now, i am not exaggerating either - i know at least twenty people who are relatively close to me friendship or family wise expecting this spring through summer. i mean, DON'T DRINK THE WATER PEOPLE.

so, naturally i want a baby - or do i? when i had zoe at nineteen no one i knew was having babies, they were barely getting engaged. when i had rowan a handful of my good friends all had babies with in a few months of her - my best friend a week later! with stella it was finally my dreams come true, a lot of gals from hs were pregnant with their first and a lot of my new friends in the blog world were expecting or had just had a baby, this made me ecstatic! so, naturally as all of our now toddlers are headed full force into their second year everyone is pregnant again so i am feeling left behind?

here is what i do know; we have the perfect name picked out, same for boy or girl with just a change in the middle name. i miss nursing bad and literally yearn to do it again and for longer this time. i am positive after my (not necessarily by choice - because my epi failed) natural labor with stella i want a purposeful, natural, in a birthing center birth where the doctors/nurses follow my every request without fighting me on it. i don't want to find out the sex and i want to be better at starting out with minimal acquisition of 'stuff' in the beginning. i want tim to be a dad again, rowan and zoe are from my first marriage and while they have known him their whole life and we have been together since they were young it isn't the same - i want his heart to experiance the true growth of bringing another person into this world.

these aren't good enough reasons to start counting fertile days though because here is what else i know (for me); four kids is a lot - however, before stella i was sure three would be too many and now i feel like it is a perfect fit, would my feeling evolve again? i mean, that is four cars to buy, four colleges to pay for, four weddings (if another girl) to plan and pay for, the list goes on and on.  i also know that i like that stella is getting older and that we can plan trips; you know do more 'older' kid things. we get by and we have nice things and own our own house (which was on the list of 'for sure' prerequsits to considering adding to our family) but we could be doing better in the money management/savings department so that is why tim hesitates and i both appreciate and detest this but at the end of the day he is doing a good job looking out for our future.

so, we wait - until i can sort this all out in my head, i am not going to have a baby for a good name and a memorable birth experience, it is so so much more than that and honestly i am proud of myself for recognizing this-i never want to be overwhelmed by my choices to grow my family.

make sure to check me out on utah baby blog today - talking about our cloth diaper journey!

7 comments:

melissa rohr said...

Love this post I always debate if we will have more I know we're going to wait at least a year or so and see how we feel.

melissa rohr said...

I can totally understand why you would be feeling the way you do. It's easy to catch baby fever when everyone around you is pregnant and having babies!! But good for you for being realistic and making a practical decision for your family! I've already told Philip that after this baby comes, when/if we ever have a third child - will be a big decision and it will not be taken lightly. Regardless of how "baby hungry" I get. I'm sure that if the time comes and you're ready for a 4th, you will know it and it will be such a blessing for you!

melissa rohr said...

I agree with Mandy! It's hard to know if/when it's ever the right time or how life will be with one more. I know we will have a 2nd but beyond that....my brain can't wrap my head around it and I guess i'll just have to wait and see if the urge ever comes. I'm with you on all the things to look forward to and ways to make it better. We all grow and learn with each kid and learn about ourselves - maybe that's the reward. :)

melissa rohr said...

I feel you on the baby fever.  Three of my closest friends are due within six weeks of eachother, and I was right in the middle of that group until my miscarriage.  I feel like I am behind now, and there is no way I can catch up, when I do have another baby it will be at least 5 months younger than theirs and they wont care that I've had another baby because they are too busy with their own.  Crazy, because I know they will love my second baby as much as I love theirs, but it is something I think about.  Have you thought about what kind of vehicle you would get?  That's what I worry about when I think of having more than three kids.  I don't ever want to drive a minivan.

melissa rohr said...

we actually have a minivan already and i love it! so much room to move around and travel. buuuut, as soon as the hubby's car is paid off we are going to be in the market for a older honda pilot; it has a fold down/up thrid row that would add just enough extra seating and room for one more. 

melissa rohr said...

Aside from my best friend, like NO ONE I know has a baby right now (and I'm no spring chicken here at the ripe age of *cough*28*cough*. I can just tell that by the time I'm done having kids (we want one more but not right this second), everyone is going to want/have kids and I'll be pleading for another. 

melissa rohr said...

Oh no! Sorry I am adding to the baby fever over here! I can already understand how you feel, when I was pregnant with Lily NONE of my friends were close to having babies. But as soon as they all started getting pregnant I was on board! Well, we had planned it anyway, but it didn't help! You are young and have plenty of time for another if that is what your heart desires. I am only planning on two, so maybe your 4th pregnancy will push me to have a third ;)