Thursday, September 6, 2012

i don't think i'll ever be "done."

it is weird, that moment when you realize that this is your last pregnancy, birth, baby, moment of becoming a mother again. a post a good friend wrote the other day has had my head spinning about this, you heard me talk about trying to decide if we wanted to even go ahead with number four, then suddenly our hearts were screaming to add another little soul to this family, but there is no question that this will be our last.

i think this all being said, is why i feel propelled into seeking the most natural, painful, yet fulfilling birth i can possibly get - i owe it to myself to really experience the miracle without anything dulling it down or taking away little moments from me. not that any of my three previous births were bad, or didn't move my heart, or were lacking, but they just happened.

and to think, that a son is joining our lives, a whole new and amazing experience in itself. i was terrified to think that i could be carrying a boy - i have raised three girls, i know girls, but a boy? now, he isn't even here yet and i can't picture life without him. constantly day dreaming about who he will be, what he will look like, how he will literally complete this family by becoming its sixth member.

oh to be a mother of four - i know you look at me like i am crazy, but i feel, in my bones this is exactly god's plan for me and my family. he would never give me more then he thought i could handle. 

i think i waited the perfect amount of time between zoe and rowan, four whole years gave me the perfect opportunity to ease into motherhood and get to know myself in this new role, and get to know my daughter over and over before adding to my family. stella came two and a half years after our blonde, and while we were terrified at how rowan would handle it, everyone adjusted perfectly into that new normal, and now they are the best of friends. stella and her little brother will be the same amount apart, once i tested the waters of sibling spacing i was ok with doing it this close again. while stella is my most difficult crazy fun loving toddler to date, she also thrives tremendously on having her siblings around and i truly feel this will be no different - just thank god she is potty trained already!

i am ready to become a mother again, i am not ready for it to be the last time, but i am too. i am ready for my kids to grow and flourish and build their relationships as siblings. i am ready to live our life as a family of six.

10 comments:

melissa rohr said...

So beautifully said. I identify completely with you. Our third child is now three. Aside from our kids asking when baby number four is coming, I ask myself over and over again if I am really done. So bittersweet what I feel right now. Your post has helped.

melissa rohr said...

Congratulations on having a boy this go-round! If we had started earlier (much, much earlier), I might have four of my own right now. So I'm not looking at you crazy. But having a boy will make everything harder and better at the same time.

melissa rohr said...

thanks! yes, so bittersweet - babies make my world go 'round, but i also can't wait for all my kids to be a little older and all the fun adventures that will hold! plus, i was a
young mom so once there all off to college i have a few plans up my sleeve too ;)

melissa rohr said...

haha, thanks! we'll talk again about how "crazy"i am feeling once he is here :)

melissa rohr said...

I found you from Sarah Halstead and I totally agree with you. I don't think I'll ever feel like I am "done". I just love everything about having a sweet, sweet baby in my arms. I know we financially will not be able to afford more than three kids but four sounds like a lot of fun. We will see what happens when I finally get pregnant with number three. Great post!

Love, Chelsea said...

This makes me cry. I know Mila is most likely our last, but I can't bring myself to say it so definitely. I AM ready to have my body back though ;)

melissa rohr said...

This is a really beautiful post. Wishing you a lovely labor.
amelia from hks

melissa rohr said...

thank you! it is def going to be a adventure :)

melissa rohr said...

i totally understand! that was a huge decision point for us - if money wasn't a object i could totally have 6 kids, haha :)

melissa rohr said...

Love, love, love this!