Wednesday, July 31, 2013

more to love and all that self worth stuff...

*whew, sorry for the unannounced hiatus. the sun literally hasn't stopped shinning in the pacific northwest and we are taking full advantage, storing up on as much vitamin d as possible before we settle in for our infamous cold and rainy winter. by time i scrape the days dirt of the kids and hopefully remember to feed them dinner, i am ready for bed and don't have a ounce of energy to blog.
when i wrote this post in my head the other day it all made a lot more sense. maybe because then it was more like a pep talk about the outfit i had chosen for the day or maybe just because everything always sounds better in my head, ha. either way i felt like i needed to just word spew these feelings out in a post so bear with me on this one...

today a sweet instagram friend mentioned that she was loving seeing more of me in my feed after i posted two selfies in a row. sure chubby baby knees and awkwardly sleeping toddlers are all the rage, but i'll admit i am always no where to be found when it comes to photos. the truth? i have really been struggling with my self esteem as it relates to my appearance a lot lately. ask my husband, he'll tell you all about the fits of rage i have in my closet before settling on the same thing i have worn all week because it is the only think i think i look ok in. i have mentioned several times that post pregnancy i really struggle to shed the weight. thyroid and eating and energy and being lazy play a part but something wasn't clicking physically and my lower areas held on for dear life to that left over pregnancy weight. to this day i am twenty pounds way over anywhere i should be.

i don't buy myself cute clothes because i don't feel worthy of them, or i buy them and they hang in my closet laughing at me, or i put them on to wear them then change into something more predictable while everyone is loading into the car to leave. my current rectangle shape just doesn't look flattering in anything. my hugest issue being that somewhere along the line i got confused about what was more important, being comfortable or desirable. sure, i'll blame blogging and instagram - it makes the most sense. the constant flood of gorgeous, perfectly angled and cropped photos, everyone looks skinny and amazing and i felt less then that. then i remember i have a husband who thinks i am hot, so who am i being desirable for? i needed to get over myself and feel pretty again. people are probably judging me a lot less then i think...

it also doesn't help that in an experimental fit with short hair i went with the wrong cut and cried myself to sleep while praying for my hair to grow a foot over night, for weeks. round two went much better, i went with a cut i had a little more experience with and made me feel a lot more feminine.

then the other day when i was at a kids concert at the park i was looking around - there were cute, happy, mamas proudly wearing their mama curves and rolls and handles like it was nothing. dressing in cute dresses and tops and not a concern in the world who might be taking note. that was a huge turning point for me, why was i scared of all these cute more form fitting tops in my closet?

since i stopped nursing, the impossible pooch to suck in, has shrunken immensely helping my self esteem recover quite a bit. i have done a hundred to two hundred squats everyday to feel more confident in shorts and bathing suit bottoms and i have been experimenting with out of my comfort zone items from my closet. i let my friend cut my hair and she did an amazing job and sometimes i put on my old reading glasses and snap a photo in the bathroom to feel extra cute. 

i have kind of accepted that this weight isn't going anywhere fast so instead of mourning the things i can't wear i celebrate what i can by rocking it. i am more sensible when i shop - because while i would love to be all sheer tops and skinny leggings and heels i am over here with my boyfriend jeans and v-neck pocket tees because as much as bloggers would like me to feel otherwise, it is ok if that is your style. i am a mom of four and i would be kidding myself if i thought i could get away with anything not machine washable or easy to bend over in, in my day to day wardrobe. amiright?

have you been here? how did you start to feel more confident?

5 comments:

melissa rohr said...

Daily. You're right, we are our own biggest critics. Two people said to me, just days apart from each other, "I just wish I could get to where you are."

Holy crap, that was a turning point for me. Daily I feel huge and frumpy. With probably 30 pounds more to lose, I beat myself up all the time. It was amazing perspective to think that someone else would look up to where I am. And you know what? I do that to you. She's so cute, she looks so great, and mother of four?! Give yourself some credit, and do a little better every day. Hugs!

melissa rohr said...

I think everything on instagram and pinterest and blogs should be taken with a grain of salt. The majority of the time, people only post photos of themselves when they're looking their best. I mean, who wants to show the world shitty pictures of themselves? That's the thing with technology these days. Women got ready and dressed nice when they went out and wore their sweat pants at home. With instagram, we all assume these people look like this all the time when in reality, they're only putting their best foot forward.


Also, sheer tops and heels aren't everyone's style, even models, even non moms. ;)

melissa rohr said...

I am with you mama! I feel the same way and It's so hard to get out of that funk. I am still working on it but I am about 40 pounds up from where I should be with my short 5'3 frame. I am working out more and not being as lazy as I was but sometimes it's hard for me to push myself into working out when I'm running on little to no sleep {because of the dreaded teething} my sweet little lady is going through right now. I just want to be happy in my own skin and not feel uncomfortable in everything I put on. I do not feel beautiful in anything and it hurts to look at myself in the mirror. I have struggled with my weight since college... it goes back to my senior year of high school though {a traumatic thing happened... email if you wanna know} and I turned to food for comfort. It's just so frustrating. I just feel stuck and can't get myself out. But I know I am the only one who can change how I eat and workout. And just so you know you look A M A Z I N G! You have nothing to be self conscious about love :)

melissa rohr said...

Oh I feel you. I am forcing myself to wear the clothes I have, and mostly still wearing maternity pants. I have tried on new clothes a few times and end up disappointed and bummed out. You give me hope that this serious pooch I have will shrink a little when I stop nursing. About my hips though...

melissa rohr said...

You are beautiful! Giving life to little ones is the hardest job out there and I think every mom struggles with how the look after baby and beyond. I'm so jealous that you have the willpower to workout...I can't bring myself to even start. PS - LOVE that you finally got to rock those lace shorts! :)